


Im good rn, hbu?

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Virgil Sanders, Asexuality, Gen, Graphic Self Harm, Graphic Suicide Attempt, Hypersexuality, Latino Logan Sanders, Latino Roman Sanders, Mentioned parental abuse, Mute Virgil Sanders, Past Rape, Past Sexual Assualt, Roman Angst, Roman Sanders and Logan Sanders are brothers, Slut Shaming, Victim Blaming, bipolar main character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 20:29:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20346259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Roman Riera decides to kill him self, and everything that he’s heard or seen about slitting your wrists in the bathtub is bullshit cause this just hurts and sucks. Not poetic at all. And he doesn’t feel sad, really.





	Im good rn, hbu?

**Author's Note:**

> There’s a lot of warnings with this!! Something I couldn’t think of how to put in tags: there’s some questioning of being asexual and it’s dismissed because of past sexual behavior and sexual assault. If that squicks or triggers you it’s not worth the read. 
> 
> Also, I wrote this stream of consciousness style at 3 in the morning a couple months ago. I kept my hood accent in there for the story I guess, because Roman’s “”ghetto”” (I cant think of a different word, even though I know that one bothers people.) 
> 
> I wrote this before Remus, so Logan is Roman’s older brother. They don’t have their parents around and I’m putting this here also saying it in the tags cause I don’t want to be confusing. Logan’s older and Roman’s 16. Which is another warning! 
> 
> Roman’s a teenager and the story is his POV, he’s pretty straight forward about sex and rape. It’s not graphic, or explained in the story, but it’s brought up and belittled.

Roman was wearing pants and socks while sitting in his bathtub, full of cold ass water. The effects of which were made worse cause he’s shirtless, but not on his wrists at least. No one says how cutting yourself makes the skin around it like, warm.

And every god damn time it stings like a motherfucker, which was obviously part of the deal, but still. It already hurts and a bitch gotta cut even more even deeper? Shoulda just got a fucking gun, but it’s too fucking late now you stubborn asshole.

_This gonna be the last thing I feel?_ Some bullshit. Bullshit.

Yeah, there’s worse but fuck off, I’m dying. The dying usually get special treatment, like hospice. Abuelita was in hospice, and they’re pretty nice.

Not that you were any nice to anybody, why do you wanna get the nice happy ending when you never made anyone’s life better? Queer east-side sluts don’t live the high road, Roman.

Shut up Roman, I didn’t ask you.

Sluts who then were ace, but wait. You just really like dick don’t you? Get held down once and you wanna get pity points? Grow some balls.

Roman’s eyes blurred over. Off white bathtub and walls, black mold on the ceiling.

People are actually suffering! A high school hoe can clam the fuck up with that pussy shit.

People like Virgil are suffering, cause of your stupid ass. Really, how you gonna rag on a kid who’s got it hard enough? Virgil’s actually ace too, had some actually hard times. Never fucked in a bathroom before.

He’d groan at hearing that though,_ ‘that’s not what it’s about, people are different. You deserve decency, even though you’ve done some less the pristine and princely things in the past.’_

It’s a nice pep talk, kinda fucking wish I could hear it.

Roman laughed disconnectedly. Body moving with no input from his brain, moving to fast, water to cold except his wrists are burning-

Hear his mute friend goin’ a rant. Yeah. It’d still be pretty, ASL was so pretty when Roman wasn’t fucking it up. Virgil made it pretty in harsh but comfortable and practiced movements that conveyed its’ life-saving message; _THAT NOT ASEXUAL ABOUT. ALL PEOPLE DIFFERENT. DECENCY YOU DESERVE._

(You’ve tricked him is why. Into sympathizing with the trash human who used to make his life even harder. Boy’s probably got Stockholm syndrome. You took his brain and made it another toy, didn’t you? Didn’t have to use sex to do it this time even.)

Such a stereotype. A hypersexual Latino, a hypersexual bipolar person, hypersexual gay dude, hypersexual teen with daddy issues. All the tropes, ding ding ding!

To happy or to sad, don’t matter cause I’ll just be a crazy ass bitch pissing people off.

Roman picked up the blade again. That’s why you’re always on Logan’s nerves. Irrational, moody, bitchy, full of yourself, then trying to kill your self.

He brings it down to his lower wrist, near the crease of his elbow, and shudders.

Wasn’t he supposed to be depressive and shit? Rushing to get it over with as the pain and sadness is overwhelming? All signs is pointing to, I can’t feel anything.

Chest is empty but still heavy. Stomach dropped low from guilt.

You’re fucking people over you know that? Maybe you don’t deserve it but people might be sad. Suicide’s, like, an epidemic and ‘a tragedy when they’re so young’.

If I can drive, I can kill myself. So fuck off! I can make choices y’know!

Maybe I should’ve wrote a note.

Whatever.

If I told Logan why I killed myself he’d get a fucking ouija board and contact me to tell me why I was actually wrong. Correct my grammar while he was at it.

Roman shifts his legs as they start to fall asleep, “Fucking bullshit!”

Fucking bullshit that Logan says that he loves him when all he wants to do is change Roman. All the cool parts, that make me myself, the singing and acting and Disney.

(Fucking bullshit that this was so stupid, slitting your wrists was supposed to be fast heartbeat, fast bleeding out, high intensity when it was mostly slow and cold and leg cramps in a small gross tub.)

Logan’s my only family, if I have a funeral he's paying for it. Older brother responsibilities, call now to get them for only 19.99!

Logan works the way he does for me. I’m his brother, and he loves me. Shit.

Roman grabs his wrist and squeezes as the realization hits him like Cat in the Hat with a bat.

_I love you too ‘mano._

And I’ve gone soft, he thinks reaching over for his phone.

_Logan, I’ve decided it’s best that I die. So I’m gonna actually slit my wrists this time._

_I realized now, like right now just before I started to write this, that my death will hurt you, and I’m sorry._

_You’ve been telling me but I never believed you until just now, that you love me. I love you too._

_It hurts to write this cause I don’t want to leave you alone and hurting and I really am sorry. God I wish that this would’ve gone better. You deserve so much better than what you got Logan._

_I’m so, so, sorry._

_I know you can go on. You’re a strong bullheaded man Logan Riera. You will live and you’ll live amazing._

_This isn’t your fault. I want to clear this up. Don’t even think of blaming yourself. I’ve felt this way for a long time, it wasn’t just one thing to set me off ok? I don’t want to get into that, it doesn’t matter. It won’t matter, anymore. I’m ending it here and you’ll live past it, hopefully happily with the family you deserve._

_I feel like our relationship was fixable. We weren’t doomed. And our bad blood with eachother wasn’t just your fault. It was both of us, and a bad situation, okay?_

_Tell Ma to fuck off._

_Bury me in white, please?_

_Go back to school, because you’re a scholar at heart and I know I was what was holding you back._

_Remember it’s okay to take breaks._

_You’re good inside. I love you so much, and I’m sorry._

_-Roman_

Roman copy and pastes it into an email and sets it to send in an hour. Logan’ll be home at.. about 40-50 minutes.

He grabs the blade and cuts again.

Why is this taking so damn _long?_ Why? This isn’t beautiful or symbolic. It just sucks. And I’m cold.

Virgil tried to kill himself in 7th grade. He told Roman. He passed out after taking pills and woke up a week later. His Dad beat him as soon as they got home cuz of the bills.

(He has real problems, but he’s also real tough. He thinks that he’s just some rat who hides, but he’s a survivor, a fighter. I kinda miss him, knowing I’ll never see him again. He deserves a good friend.)

Dying is expensive... and Logan will have to pay for it. Don’t think about it. Just don’t fuck up for once in your life, cause hospitals expenses is to much but you can get funeral stuff secondhand. (They already dead what they need the expensive stuff for?)

I just wanna be done with this. He cuts his arms twice again. Roman feels tears on his face but doesn’t feel himself crying. It’s warm too.

I love you. I’m sorry... God I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me.

He places his arms back underwater. That’s supposed to keep the blood flowing or something? Or was that warm water?

Closes eyes and rests his forehead on his knees. It’s warm and his arms feel numb and weak and he can’t feel anything except for this sadness, suddenly. Where did that come from? He was fine.

This just sucks more. I mean I’m already killing myself.

Roman giggles quietly, but then burst into loud laughter as it hits him. I’m dying, not gonna live no more.

He closes his eyes, head swimming and warm to think.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sticking around the angst fest. And if you’re feeling this way reach out!! To someone you trust, or a hotline. Stay safe.


End file.
